It is confirmed...I'm carrying a mini Homer Simpson

The "big" ultrasound was yesterday. For each of my kids, I've left the 20-week ultrasound feeling like the baby looked like something specific on the ultrasound screen. With my first, she looked like a turtle...it was something about the placenta resting against her back. With my second he looked like a duck. This baby looked strikingly like Homer Simpson. There was a particular shot when they measure the distance between the eyes that really brought out the Homer image with eyes bugging out and big round forehead. Anyway, I'm hoping the kid is a bit cuter in 4 months.

We don't have the official report yet, but everything looked good from my eyes. Baby was extremely uncooperative for most of the measurements. Even if we had wanted to know the gender, they would not have been able to tell. I guess that is the way it is supposed to be. We truly weren't meant to know. I still have this feeling about a boy, and my daughter is convinced it is a boy...but we'll see. We're definitely coming up with girl names too, just in case.

Otherwise, things are going well. I'm STILL gagging and vomitting on certain food items and when I brush my teeth. Almost 21 weeks...sheesh. Between the sickness and the uncooperative behavior for doppler and ultrasound, I'm still thinking this baby might be a handful when he/she emerges on the outside. Contractions are getting more regular. I've always had lots of "practice" contractions very early on, so this is nothing new for me. It is exciting though.

Last week I attended my last doula birth for probably the rest of the winter and spring, and it just got me soooo excited to be in labor again. Birth went very well, though it was long. But mom got exactly what she was hoping for - it was about as close to a homebirth in a hospital that you could hope for. And the neat thing, at least from a doula perspective, was to really see how as the baby's position changed from posterior to anterior, it really changed the contractions. Had this mother had an epidural, I feel certain she may have needed a cesarean. This baby liked to be posterior, and only turned with extended time on hands and knees (which an epidural would have prevented). Anyway, it was a beautiful experience.

Otherwise life is very busy. I'm teaching two university classes this fall, plus doing a bit of research work. I was offered a teaching position for winter term too, which I had to turn down because of the baby. And I now have one lined up for spring, as well as 2 research proposals to work on and a proposal to work on some e-courses for quite a bit of money. Though getting the PhD was a major pain in the arse, I'm sooo happy to have it now. Pay is more than quadruple what I was making before (which obviously wasn't much), and I feel this invisible measure of respect coming from the other faculty. Pretty sweet.

Boy or Girl?

We've decided not to find out this time. I kinda can't believe it. I was so sure I wanted to know with both of my previous pregnancies, and though we told the ultrasound technician not to waste time hunting for it, we were relieved when baby made it really easy to guess their gender. But this time, the ultrasound instructions will be to steer clear of the goods! And we are totally comfortable with that plan.

I still think it is a boy though. I've just felt that way from a few weeks in. We didn't try for a boy or girl this time, so it really could be either. But I just feel boyish. Plus I've been sicker than sick (still puking about every other day...at 18 weeks!), and though I wasn't THIS sick with my son, I was certainly sicker with him than I was with my daughter. Each pregnancy has just gotten sicker and harder. We have plans for a 4th after this, but for the first time I'm actually dreading the whole pregnancy part of it. I just don't enjoy pregnancy very much. I like the idea of it, but my pregnancies have been very hard on me. Guess I'll never grow up to be a surrogate.

Baby is safe

It took a while, but baby is making him/herself known now. I've been pretty certain I'm feeling movement, and then today we FINALLY found the heartbeat on a doppler. Whew! Coming up on 16 weeks and all is well.

When it hits the fan

A week ago, we were on top of the world. We'd just sold our house for a very sweet price. We'd just bought a new house for a very sweet price. We were moving in just a few weeks, and were VERY excited about it. Then Thursday hit.

On Thursday we had our inspection. Nothing really scary came up, but definitely a few annoying things. However, the buyer obviously saw something that terrified him because he went running. His reason? He said he didn't think any bank would give him a loan. Not sure where he got that, cause there was nothing that serious in the inspection. Regardless, he's gone. Our new house deal is gone. And we are back on the market. NOT. HAPPY.

And, on that same day, we had an appointment with our midwives. At 14 weeks, they were unable to find a heartbeat. I'm trying not to be too worried about it since I'm still pretty sick and we had that ultrasound just 2 weeks ago. Plus I think I'm starting to feel movement. But still, I'd think there would be a loud heartbeat by 14 weeks. Next appointment isn't until 18 weeks, but I may go back next week just to check unless I start getting some majorly reassuring kicks this week.

Bleh. I'd like some good news now.

How Many of Me?

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 116 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Not too bad. Only 116, out of 300,000,000+. How common is your name?

Confirmation of life

Those first few months of pregnancy are rough, when you are sick and feel bloated, but haven't heard a heartbeat or felt the baby move yet. There's just no confirmation you feel like ass for a reason. These months have been dragging on since I've been feeling so badly, more than any of my pregnancies before. I was pretty nervous going into our ultrasound last week, just hoping to see a healthy fetus. I knew being sick was probably a good sign, but there's nothing like seeing your baby flip you off to know things are going well.

All's well with this one (nicknamed P3). At 12 weeks exactly, we went in for an Ultrascreen (combination ultrasound and blood test that looks for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 13 and 18). We hadn't heard the heartbeat yet, so this was our first glimpse of life. And that little bugger was wiggling! Everything looked really healthy. The baby had a great heartbeat and was extremely active. We got to watch some hiccups for a while. And our test results were fabulous too - chance of Down's or Tri 13/18 is less than 1 in 8000 and 1 in 10000, respectively. And best of all, baby was measuring perfectly. I love to see that when it happens, because I always set my due dates according to my ovulation date. My ovulation date is the most accurate, and I know this (and my midwife trusts this). Had we used my date of last menstural period, my due date would be nearly a week off. So hooray for knowing your body!

Happy Birthday Ava!

My oldest turned 3 years old today. I can't believe she's soooo grown-up. Pics soon perhaps, if our computer doesn't go up in smoke.

This baby is gonna be trouble

I've never been this sick before. I blaim that for my extended absense in blogworld, and it probably isn't over yet. I'm still sick, though having occasional moments of normalness that tell me perhaps the end is near (in a month maybe). It is bad enough to make me wonder why I wanted to get pregnant again, and to seriously question our plan to have one more baby after this one. I'm sure I'll see things differently when I feel better, but damn...this sucks.

Pregnancy seems to be going well. Just over 11 weeks now. Haven't heard or seen the baby yet, but we have an Ultrascreen (includes an ultrasound) scheduled for next Thursday. Heartburn started about a month ago, but is treatable with papaya so far. Tired as hell, but that doesn't surprise me. My belly is growing quickly and I can easily find my fundus nearly halfway to my umbilicus. Guess third babies push your body out quickly.

Our 3 year-old (birthday tomorrow!) is SUPER excited about the baby. I'm really looking forward to having her conscious and present throughout this pregnancy and birth.

1930s wifedom

Good think I'm not a wife of the 30s.

18 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Morning sickness sucks. I know I remember morning sickness once it is over, but I don't remember who crappy I feel really. This stinks. :( All day bleh.

In other much more exciting news, we made a bid on a house today. :) :) :) It is a contingent offer, so even if it is accepted, we still have to sell our place. But it is a great house!

How much worse can they make themselves look?

The AMA is really making themselves look pretty bad here. Open mouth and insert foot. They've joined ACOG's movement with recent resolutions (Resolutions 204 and 205) both to completely BAN all homebirths AND births in freestanding birth centers and criminalize mothers who choose to continue doing this, plus they are going after the entire midwifery model of maternity care by suggesting all non-nurse midwives be OUTLAWED, and nurse midwives come under even greater levels of OB control. Um, what? And, to make it even better, these resolutions are made with absolutely no medical basis. They don't mention a single study, a single statistic, or even a promise that this would be good for mothers and babies. Nope. Their resolutions read more like, "I'm scared for my job and Ricki Lake has made this powerful movie that makes us look really bad so now we better just throw everyone in jail and make it a law that all pregnant women must pay us directly...no other options."

Reaction in the normal birth world is mixed. Some are scared, just because it does suggest there will be a fight ahead and the AMA is waaaaay more powerful than any midwife group (the AMA controls the entire insurance industry, for example). Others think this is good publicity for midwifery and for homebirths. Because their statements are sooo outrageous and have no medical basis, they do seem rather ridiculous. Kinda like shooting guns with no bullets. I have a difficult time seeing how this could ever become a real law...given there is NO medical research supporting the AMA and ACOG's statements (quite the opposite actually).

Well, I'll tell you how much this has changed my mind. I had a very nice talk with my HOMEBIRTH-ONLY, NON-NURSE MIDWIFE yesterday. I'll be seeing her apprentice as my primary midwife, so not only is she NOT a nurse, she isn't even certified OR licensed. HA! And thankfully, my right to do this is completely protected by the fabulous state of Oregon.

Doctor Firefly Mama

Dead cat, open house, and sharing the news

That was my day. Well, there were some other things thrown in there too, but this is the part I choose to share.

We're taking care of a neighbors cats, and this morning husband returned to say he thought one of the cats was dead. Poor kitty. Sure enough, "Yoda" was curled up in a tiny box under the sink in the laundry room, and was stiff as a board. He was still warm, but definitely not with us anymore. I've never had to wrap a cat in a garbage bag and stick them in a freezer before. The owners will return tomorrow to a sympathy card taped to their door. Don't want to surprise them when they open their freezer to find a frozen kitty...

Just after finding the cat, and just before placing kitty in the freezer, we jumped in the car to go look at a house. It is the first house we've actually gone to see...and turns out it is owned by someone we work with. House needs work, but is livable and has EXCELLENT potential. Location is great too. But if we buy it and want to make some upgrades, it would be more than we can afford.

A few hours later, my folks arrived for tomorrow's graduation ceremony. They haven't been here in a year, haven't seen daughter in a year, and haven't seen son in 9 months. It is really great to have them around. And...I got to actually tell them in person that we are expecting another baby. This is the first time I've gotten to tell them in person, though I think they kinda suspected since we mentioned we were looking at bigger houses. Still, it was great to see their faces as the comprehension sunk in. I had one of those digital pregnancy tests that just says "Pregnant" and I asked daughter to carry it in and hand it to grandma. It was pretty sweet.

Now tomorrow I get all dressed up and receive my PhD. It feels a bit surreal.

By the way, I was in Vermont for most of the week at a conference. Nearly saw a tornado while there, and I've got pics. Hope to get those up soon.

Recent kid pics

In Praise of Telling Too Soon...

You may be surprised to hear I'm pregnant, when really I'm not even 4 weeks pregnant yet. Lots of folks wait until 8...10...12 weeks to tell, and I'm just not like that anymore. I am happy to be pregnant right now, and if something happens and this pregnancy does not make it all the way, I want to share that and receive support too.

One of my friends sent this message to me not long ago, after her own miscarriage. From Mothering.com:

In Praise of Telling Too Soon
By Katie Silberman
Web Exclusive, January 28, 2008

That thing they warn you about: it happened to me. I got pregnant. I was thrilled. I told a bunch of family and friends—and then I lost the baby in my second month. I had to untell a whole lot of people. That story was swirling around in my head. You know the one. The one "They" always say about how you're "not supposed to tell people too soon."

I always hated that one. I hated it when my sister would whisper that her friends were pregnant, and then warn me, "...they're not telling people yet." It seemed so negative and scardey-cat to me. I always swore that when I got pregnant, I'd tell the whole world.

Well, I did (practically). And it was great. I got the most wonderful responses, full of excitement and anticipation and appreciation for my husband Bryan and me. We had a great two months—it was fun when my clothes started not to fit; it was fun when my husband had to go out at night and get me ginger ale, just like in the stories. We even got a few cards and gifts.

Then we went for our first OB appointment. The doctor saw the baby on the ultrasound, but she could not detect the heartbeat. "I think your baby has died," she said. The words didn't even sink in. My husband and I are pretty optimistic people—it truly had not even occurred to either one of us that the baby might not be okay. When we finally registered what she had said, the news was crushing; it was devastating; I felt like a balloon had been popped.

Any loss can surely be utterly distressing, painful and sad. What seemed different about this particular loss, besides the fact that it was happening to us (this wasn't supposed to happen!!!), is that when I was pregnant I was coming from a place of such elation. It wasn't just normal life—it was flying high, excitement, euphoria, anticipation. And then the crash. The distance to fall seemed farther—the chasm between zenith and nadir more vast.

That's where "in praise of telling people too soon" came in. My husband and I were crushed with grief and disappointment. All I wanted to do was to lay on the couch in my bathrobe all day (sometimes Bryan would gently inquire around 4 o'clock in the afternoon whether I wanted to get dressed. I would scowl at him and say no.) Not up to talking on the phone, I sent out an email message to my friends and family briefly explaining what happened. Along with "untelling," I explained that I did not much feel like receiving calls. We were inundated with caring replies, and reading the messages that poured back in was all I felt like doing those few weeks. Bryan smiled that every time I checked my email, tears rolled down my cheeks as I was touched by the waves of support from the people who loved us, recognized what we were going through, and offered us their kindness. If we had not had the outpouring of care and support from our friends and family, I am certain that couch-laying phase would have lasted a lot longer than it did.

The thing about miscarriage that I most feared was that it seemed so invisible. I hadn't really looked pregnant yet; the baby was just a tiny thing (the size of a raspberry, the books said). With the code of secrecy surrounding the "don't tell too early" story, there did seem to be a residual sense of shame about what was happening; as though it should be kept in the realm of women's maladies that happen "down there," in the dark, that we're not allowed to talk about. But I knew that something real had happened to me; it was not invisible.

If I had kept my pregnancy and miscarriage a secret, if I had bought the shame story, then I would not have been real. I can't even imagine having to fake it with the most important people in my life: to pretend that nothing was wrong, during one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life. That, to me, seems much more traumatic than having to "untell" and then tell the people who love you that you could use a little love and support. And then let them give it.