Perspective on living with depression

Two posts in blogland have spoken to me recently on a very deep, emotional level. They were written by a husband and wife pair. Heather's contribution is about living with depression and her adventures with medication and wonderful things it has done for her. Jon's contribution is about living with someone who is depressed.

These are good. And yes, there is a personal reason I bring this up...which will probably be explained further in a future post.

Toddler cuteness

Despite the raging illnesses in our house, I've have seen glimpses of some darn cute kids lately. Ava is definitely in that phase where you wish you had a tape recorder going at all times. The things that come out of her mouth are sometimes hysterical, and sometimes amazing.

While at the doctor's office a few days ago, the doc came in and chose to start examining Alder first (both kids were sick and going to get checked out). So Keith started taking off Alder's clothes and the doc came over to take his temperature and Ava got REALLY upset...muttering that the "doctor is going to poke Alder". Poor kid has some obvious associations with the doctor and getting injections now. Anyway, it was both sad because she was so upset, but also endearing that she showed such strong concern for her little brother. (and no, Alder didn't get "poked" at this visit)

Today while playing on the floor with some blocks, I overheard Ava saying, "No Ant! You are supposed to be outside. You are not supposed to be inside. You better go outside!". Then she came and got me to help her take the ant outside. It struck me as amusing that she spoke to the ant so directly, as if she expected it to speak back. But I guess all her books and the few videos we let her watch do involve talking animals and bugs, so why wouldn't this ant talk back? Luckily she wasn't too attached to the ant, because I promptly squashed it.

Overall I'm really loving these stages with my kids. They are both just so fabulous. Next big challenges will probably be night potty training and FINALLY taking the pacifier away from Ava (still used at night only), and crawling for Alder and all the new challenges of babyproofing with tiny toddler toys around all the time.

Ick confirmation

Sometimes you just don't want to be right. I guess this is a lesson for me though - I should trust my instincts with my kids and illnesses, because I've been spot-on just about everytime.

Ava has croup. She's actually been much better today, but still has a touch-and-go fever and gives a good example of the cough on occasion. I expect tonight to be torture again. Because last night was the first night (so we caught it early) and croup usually peaks on night 3 or 4, we are opting to start the low-dose steriods tonight in the hopes it won't get much worse. Oh, and she's got the start of an ear infection too, but we're gonna let that run its course. Thank goodness at least her lungs were clear.

Alder has a ruptured eardrum on the left side. I was pretty sure he had an ear infection over the last week, and yesterday I saw the crusty drainage coming out of his ear. He still has the fever though, so we know the infection is still raging. We're gonna start antiobiotics since it has literally been weeks we've been battling this stuff. This will be the first antibiotics we've ever given to either kid.

Please send healthy vibes over to our corner of the world. I'm tired of this crap.

The sickness never ends

I guess it is the season, but man, this season is off to a rough start. Both kids have been sick for pretty much the entire month of December. There have been a few (maybe 3?) days of relative health, but other than that, there have been fevers, coughs, sneezes, and snot everywhere. I can't think of when they DIDN'T have a fever right now. It has been a week at least I think? Now it looks like Alder has at least one if not two ear infections, and Ava appears to have croup. Last night was TERRIBLE. We're headed to see the doctor at 1:30. Hopefully they can at least pass me some wisdom on how to juggle 2 sick kids.

White Christmas

There is real-live snow falling from the sky today. It isn't much, but it is enough to make me GRIN. We live in an area that just doesn't get snow, so this is really awesome. I wouldn't quite call it a white Christmas, but it is magical.

NORAD tracks Santa

He was in Ethiopia last I checked. Where is he now?

YouTube

Ever find yourself bored? YouTube can fill that void. Here is a great example. First, take an obscure band from some country in Europe (anyone know what language this is?). Visit YouTube and you can find their original "hit". Then this brilliant guy decides to lip sinc to it and post it on YouTube too. A hit is born. He gets so popular he does another song too. Numerous hysterical videos follow the first one though: legos, misheard lyrics, Elijah Wood (Frodo) and some monsters, Elmo and Grover, Japanese school girls, various Chipmunk versions, Chicken Little, Resident Evil (in English), American Idle, Israeli Idol, Yoda, The Lion King, etc.

My favorites are the misheard lyrics and legos.

People really have too much time on their hands, don't they.

The Birth of Baby Boy LK

The Birth of Baby Boy LK
Monday, November 26, 2007 at 12:40 PM
9 lbs 13 oz and 21.75 inches

Original due date: November 23rd

2nd baby, VBAC attempt, repeat cesarean

Mommy M had been my good friend for a couple of years now, ever since the birth of our first kids, so I was thrilled when she announced she was pregnant again. It was even more exciting when she asked me to be her doula. Yippee! Nothing could be a greater honor than to assist a friend during the birth of a child. It is simply amazing.

Mommy’s first birth was a cesarean after she dilated to 8 cm but no further. With meconium in the water, slight non-reassuring heart tones, and several hours of no dilation, the cesarean was performed with zero complications. Turns out that 9 lb 3 oz baby boy was posterior. He was born on his due date.

This pregnancy started very differently because conception happened without the help of fertility meds! Mommy also decided to search for a new care provider. Her old OB was not supportive of a VBAC, so Mommy signed on with a midwife group who attended births at Generic Hospital. The new group was very supportive and was willing to work with Mommy to give her the best chances for a VBAC.

Fast forward to the end of pregnancy. The baby was measuring large again. Mommy was ready for him to be born. Her due date (Thanksgiving Day) came and went. She had several bouts of pre-labor, but things always fizzled out after a few hours. She was somewhere around 3-4 cm dilated and 60% effaced. I tried to reassure her that though frustrating, this was important early work and that it was doing something! Finally, Mommy’s house emptied of family and she settled in and got serious about birthing this child.

On Sunday, November 25th, 3 days after her due date, Mommy was watching football with Daddy, Big Brother, and Daddy’s parents when contractions got started again. Mommy estimates they started around 4:45 pm, though she didn’t start timing them until around 5:20. At this point they were 4-8 minutes apart and 35-60 seconds long. I had called her earlier in the day, just to check in and say hello. She called me back at around 6:45, but I had to return her call just a little bit later. At 7:10, we got to talk and she filled me in. She said these contractions were definitely strongly than anything she had felt so far, and at that point they’d been going on for about 2.5 hours. I suggested she call her midwives and let them know what was going on, and see what they thought she should do. Mommy feared heading to the hospital and having everything stop, but I felt it was important to get the midwife’s perspective on this. She made the call, and they encouraged her to come in. With the VBAC, they wanted to make sure that if this WAS it, she was monitored closely for her safety and the safety of her baby. I asked Mommy to call me when they were parking at the hospital and if the contractions were still coming strong, I was going to go ahead and leave.

At 8:15 pm, Mommy gave me a quick call and said they’d just arrived at the hospital and things were still going strong. I told her I would leave in about 20 minutes, and asked them to call me back once she was checked and we knew if the hospital would be keeping her or sending her home. By 8:40 pm, I was out the door and on my way to the city.

At 9:00 I got a call from Daddy. He said Mommy was 4-5 cm and about 90% effaced, so they were staying at the hospital. WAHOO!!! This was it! I arrived at 10:30 and found them walking the halls. Mommy said her contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and about 60 seconds long. She was beautiful in her gown and fancy fuzzy socks. She had a telemetry unit for the continuous electronic fetal monitor, so Mommy was able to walk and roam and change positions to her heart’s content, as long as the belts kept the monitor in place. Mommy and Daddy looked excited and optimistic. They hugged often and were beautiful support for each other. Mommy continuously checked in with Daddy, almost as often as we checked in with her. It was a fantastic environment to be laboring in. I settled in, checked that everyone had water and encouraged eating since they’d both skipped dinner. Throughout the evening, I occasionally grabbed the camera and took some shots of Mommy and Daddy as they welcomed the labor and worked together to birth their son.

By 11:05 pm, Mommy made another bathroom trip and then continued standing and walking. She said that though she was feeling some discomfort in her back, it wasn’t excruciating. It didn’t sound like the typical back labor I heard stories about, but Mommy did say it felt just like it did during Big Brother’s birth, so I was a little concerned about baby’s position. When I asked her about it, Mommy said they’d been told baby was probably occiput transverse based on where his heartbeat was. At 11:35 pm, she asked for a birth ball so I hunted one down from the nurses. Mommy started looking more serious. Daddy turned on some music as Mommy hung out on the birth ball, and the midwife and the nurse adjusted her belts. At around midnight, Mommy requested some food and was told “clear liquids” only, so she enjoyed her chicken broth as best she could.

By 12:15 am, Mommy was back up and walking again, just going with the flow. I talked to her about her activity and what she felt was going on. Daddy was getting tired and Mommy ordered him to sleep, so he laid down to rest. We turned off the lights, turned on a few electronic candles, and set the room into “rest” mode. Mommy made another bathroom trip and then at 12:40 laid down to get some rest. Her right side was more comfortable to her, and it allowed the belts to stay in place, so that is what she did.

For the next hour, Mommy tried to rest and I just observed from the rocking chair. Her contractions were varying quite a bit. First they were 7 minutes apart and 80 seconds long, then 2.5 minutes apart and 90 seconds long, then 4.5 minutes apart and 90 seconds long. The midwife visited again and reiterated that she felt this was early labor because of the contraction pattern, but acknowledged that Mommy’s contractions seemed to be feeling stronger. A phlebotomist dropped in for a visit, and disrupted the rest time by turning on the lights and speaking very loudly. Mommy needed another blood draw because they’d messed up the last sample. Finally she left and Mommy was able to rest a bit.

While resting, Mommy seemed to drift to sleep, but then be shocked awake by each contraction. She was able to stay in position and breathe through each contraction, but I could tell they were growing quite uncomfortable. At times Mommy would let out a soft whisper of an “Ow” but otherwise, she was very quiet and determined to rest.

By 1:40 am, Mommy needed to pee again (yay! We were doing a good job with the water!). Contractions were between 3 and 7 minutes apart and 70-120 seconds long. They seemed to be getting stronger. The nurse popped in for another monitor check. Throughout the evening, the nurse visited at least a dozen times because the monitor fell out of place. While we knew these visits were necessary, they were quite disruptive, as they always flicked the lights on and spoke very loudly. Still, Daddy managed to sleep through much of it.

At 1:50 am, Mommy headed out to walk the halls again and then laid down again after that. Again, her right side was most comfortable, so she went with that. For the next hour, it was blissfully quiet and Mommy and Daddy were both able to sleep. Mommy was breathing beautifully through each contraction and would snooze in between. Contractions were 6-7 minutes apart. I draped myself in a towel (it was freezing in the room) and relaxed in the rocking chair.

Shortly after 3 am, Mommy got up to pee again and decided to try sitting/reclining in the bed for a bit. At 3:15, the midwife visited and offered another cervix check. Mommy wanted to know, so she got set up for the check. She was 6 cm and 90-95% effaced with baby’s head at -2 station and a bulging bag of waters. Contractions were still 6-7 minutes apart. This dilation was only a small change from 6+ hours ago, but it was progress, so we held on to that. The midwife suggested breaking her water (which she had also mentioned a couple of times earlier too), and Mommy politely but firmly declined. Mommy asked about the baby’s position, and the midwife indicated she believed the baby was anterior, but that she couldn’t feel the babies skull without breaking her water. The midwife suggested a shower or the tub. Mommy said she wanted to save the tub for later when things were more intense, and she certainly didn’t want to slow anything down at this point. But a shower sounded like a great idea. She asked me what I thought she should do and I agreed a shower sounded great – something different! The midwife additionally suggested Mommy try some manual nipple stimulation while in the shower and see if it brought on stronger contractions. So by 3:30 she hopped in for a good 20 minutes. Because of the telemetry unit for the EFM, she was able to stay on the monitors while in the shower.

By 4:00 am, Mommy was back out of the shower and ready for more action. The nipple stimulation didn’t seem to help a whole lot, but things didn’t slow down either. Mommy did agree the shower felt great! I demonstrated some lunges to her, and she worked on that with Daddy’s support a while. Because of the extended time with little progress, I continued to worry about baby’s position. The midwife had recently said she thought the baby was anterior, so I began to wonder about the position of his head. Could it be asynclitic? If malpositioned at all, the lunges might help and Mommy found that they felt really good.

Mommy had been reaching for her back during some of the contractions, so I asked her if I could help her by providing pressure to her back. She agreed, and it seemed to really help. So for a while, we three worked as a team. Mommy stood in the middle, content and talkative until a contraction hit when she would lift her leg onto the bench and lunge and sway with the energy. Daddy was facing Mommy and would hold her shoulders and support her balance. I was behind her providing pressure to the sore spots on her back. Throughout this entire time, I was amazed at how “normal” Mommy seemed between the contractions. It really seemed like her. It was an enjoyable time to spend with these expecting parents.

At 4:30, Mommy retreated to the birth ball again. This remained one of her favorite positions. We talked a little about emotions. I asked Mommy about being scared, and she acknowledged that she was (afraid of the pain). We talked a bit about how things really did need to get harder, but that it was good and necessary for this birth to move forward. Mommy seemed ready to accept what needed to happen.

At 5, the nurse checked Mommy’s blood pressure again (which was perfect). Mommy decided some jello sounded good, so I visited the nurses’ station to get that ordered. Mommy visited the bathroom again too. Contractions seemed to be getting still stronger and closer together with her new activity, sometimes as close as 90 seconds apart. At 5:30, Mommy decided to lay down again (right side). She was growing tired. Contractions spaced back out again to 4-6 minutes apart, sometimes 7.5 minutes apart. Back pressure continued to be helpful. After another 30 minutes, Mommy was back up to pee again, and then she went for a walk.

Just as the midwife’s shift was ending, she came in to check on Mommy one last time. She offered another cervix check, and Mommy agreed. I was so hopeful that all the activity over the last 3+ hours had resulted in dilation, but was skeptical because the contractions just didn’t seem strong enough, and they were still so variable in pattern. Sure enough, Mommy was 6-7 cm dilated, 95% effaced, and baby was still at a -2 station. I was feeling very frustrated for Mommy. Again, the midwife offered to break her water, and again Mommy declined with the plan to save it as a last resort. Shortly after the check, Mommy visited the bathroom again. We discussed a plan to get things going. I suggested we continue with the activity. The lunges seemed to speed things up. I also suggested we try acupressure, belly lifts (in hopes this may resolve any malposition we weren’t detecting), more position changes including hands and knees, and Mommy take another shower. Mommy began doing lunges.

By 7:30, Mommy had been visited by the new midwife, the old nurse, and the new nurse. All of them, including the old midwife expressed concern for how slowly things were going. The new midwife seemed very willing to work with Mommy and try hard to get things going, but she did acknowledge she would shortly be required to consult with the OB on call. Dr. OB was the OB, and the midwife said she would want to come in and meet Mommy before potentially meeting her in the operating room. I immediately felt uncomfortable with this change in language – suddenly we were talking about operating! I guess the reality was soon approaching, and Mommy seemed to know this deep down, but it was still hard for me to see this path before us when we still had so many tricks to try. Baby was doing fine and seemed very healthy, and Mommy was willing to keep working, so I didn’t see why we had to start talking about operating all ready.

Mommy also asked the midwife about using a breast pump for the nipple stimulation – something I suggested she ask about. The midwife said because Mommy was a VBAC, she was uncomfortable using the breast pump. While frustrated that she wouldn’t let us use one, I was pleased to realize she was acknowledging how strong nipple stimulation can be! The midwife also argued for AROM at this time, and suggested it was probably time to really consider it. Mommy suggested we wait just a little longer and really try hard to get things going, and that if at the next visit progress hadn’t been made, she would consent. The midwife agreed this was a good plan.

After she left, I snuck down to the cafeteria for a quick breakfast, giving Mommy and Daddy some much-needed alone time. I returned to find out through Mommy, through the nurse, through the midwife, that the OB was going to put Mommy on a shorter timeline. We were all worried about this news.

At 7:45 am, the OB came for a visit. She was very calculated in her language and movements. As she walked in the room, I felt immediately she just wanted this surgery to get going. I think Mommy could sense it too, as she later expressed how much she disliked this doctor. The OB discussed some time limits. She asked Mommy where she got stuck in her last labor (8cm) and where she was now (6cm). She asked about the size of the baby (estimated 9.5+ lbs). She strongly urged Mommy to allow the midwife to break her water. She suggested we do this immediately, or plan to move right on to surgery. She said if the AROM didn’t get things going, we just move on to surgery. And with that, she turned to leave and saluted Mommy on the way out while saying, “Hopefully things will get going, or else I’ll see you in the operating room.”

Daddy immediately embraced Mommy as she began to cry. This had been a rough hour, with visitor after visitor expressing doubts. Mommy had been in labor for about 15 hours, during which time she’d hardly slept or eaten, and she’d only dilated about 1 cm. I sensed that Mommy was tired, and disappointed. She talked about “having been down this road before.” I couldn’t help but cry too. The 3 of us just circled together and released our frustration. And then, we discussed really getting serious.

At 8, Mommy got back in the shower with instructions from me to be more aggressive with the nipple stimulation. By 8:30 she was back out. Contractions were definitely closer together, sometimes only 90 seconds apart and 60 seconds long, but still weren’t strong enough. Daddy ran down to the cafeteria for some breakfast, so Mommy and I had some time to work together. At 8:45 I instructed Mommy on applying acupressure on her Hoku point on her hand. She tried this for a few cycles, but didn’t notice any increase in intensity with contractions. So I moved on to trying acupressure at her Spleen 6 point on her legs. I kept up with this for quite some time. While contractions were longer and closer together, they still just didn’t seem strong enough. At 9:00, I alternated the acupressure with belly lifts using the rebozo. Mommy said these felt really good. We watched the EFM to make sure the lifts weren’t affected the baby’s heartbeat. Everything looked good. While doing this, one of the nurses visited and commented that we were doing something right, because the contractions were getting closer together. She looked confused at seeing Mommy wrapped in the rebozo with me down on the floor pressing on her legs. It made me chuckle…she probably really wondered what the crazy doula was doing to her labor patient.

The midwife came in to break Mommy’s water, but Daddy was still gone and then she got a page, so the AROM was temporarily held off. This was a blessing in a way, as it gave us one last hour to try all our tricks and to focus on powerful contractions. We continued the acupressure, belly lifts, lunges, rocking, standing, and leaning on the bed. Once Daddy returned, I retreated to the bathroom to pump (something I’d done every 3-6 hours all night). While in the bathroom, I could hear that the midwife returned and was ready to check Mommy. Bad news. There was no change in dilation. So Mommy consented to AROM. Thankfully, the fluid was clear. Mommy was moved to an upright sitting position in the bed. The way the bed was cranked up, Mommy looked like a Queen up on her pedestal. Immediately afterwards, she didn’t seem to notice any difference with the AROM. But things changed quickly. The midwife had suggested that Mommy needed to dilate 1.5-2 cm/hour now to avoid a cesarean, which seemed really fast to me. Little did I know Mommy would have NO problem with this.

Within 5 minutes, things were ramping up. The contractions seemed to be overwhelming her. They were now less than 2 minutes apart and 75-90 seconds long. Within minutes, Mommy started verbalizing doubt that she could not do this. I recognized this as transition and told Mommy I thought she was there. She didn’t believe me. She thought it was too soon. The contractions were just killing her in this sitting position, so she asked me to get the nurse so she could be hooked back up to the telemetry unit so she could move around again. I walked out the nurses station and got the nurse’s attention and she acknowledged that Mommy was really getting slammed (she’d been watching the monitor). The midwife was also at the station, so she came in the room too.

By 10:10, Mommy was getting hooked back to the telemetry unit. The midwife suggested IV fluids. She said she often saw this response to AROM because of dehydration, and that the fluids may make the contractions more manageable and a little more spaced. Mommy declined at first, but after getting hit by another couple of contractions, agreed. By now she was off the bed. I held her in a standing position through a couple of contractions, and then eased her back onto the birth ball. Contractions were just coming strong and hard, and after just a minute on the birth ball, Mommy let out a tell-tale grunt. The nurse, the midwife and I all looked up at each other and smiled. Mommy’s body was bearing down. It was 10:15 am.

The midwife and the nurse checked in with Mommy and asked her what she was feeling. Mommy wasn’t sure, but it was strong! Mommy’s sounds were pushing grunts. I looked to Daddy and mouthed that Mommy was doing great, and that things were moving fast. At about the same time, the baby’s heart rate dipped a bit. It was enough of a drop to concern the midwife, and Mommy was just getting overwhelmed by the contractions, so the midwife told Mommy she wanted to get her back on the bed to check what was happening. Mommy didn’t want to move. She didn’t think she COULD move. But with help, they got her up to standing and discovered bloody show. This was a very good sign!

By 10:20, Mommy was up on the bed on her right (preferred) side and continued bearing down with each contraction. Daddy was by her side, holding her and whispering in her ear words of love and support. It was obvious how strong his support was to Mommy during this time. The midwife checked and found she was almost fully dilated, with just a lip of cervix remaining and baby was at 0 station! Mommy had FLOWN right by transition. Unfortunately, the baby’s heart rate was dropping down under 90 bpm and remaining low for extended periods after each contraction. The midwife and nurse worked with Mommy to turn her to her left side, which Mommy resisted, but they got her turned rather quickly. At the same time, the nurse prepared an oxygen mask and put it on Mommy to try and give the baby as much oxygen as possible. I could tell this position was not very comfortable for Mommy, but she knew it was important for her baby.

At 10:35 the midwife checked Mommy again and she was fully dilated. The heart decels started to improve, so Mommy was able to remove the mask shortly. Pushing now begins in earnest. Mommy started pushing with her legs pulled up and rolled slightly to her left. She pushed in this position for a while, and the baby was bulging low in her bottom with each push. She didn’t believe us when we said she was DOING IT. I asked her if she thought we were lying, and she said yes! She was doing a fabulous job, putting all her energy in each push. In between contractions, which were now between 1.5 and 3 minutes apart, she appeared to drift off to sleep. By 11:00, it seemed a position change might help bring the baby down further. So the midwife and nurse got the squat bar set up for Mommy to try. In transitioning to the squat, Mommy was hit by a contraction and collapsed into a kneeling position, where she remained for a contraction or two. She then got up and prepared to use the squat bar. This seemed to be a very powerful position for her, as she continued to bring the baby down.

At 11:10 am, the midwife checked again and felt the baby was at about a +2 station, but that a caput (swelling) was forming on his head. She suggested Mommy lay back into a reclined position and prop her feet on the squat bar for support. Mommy then used the bar to push off of, and then was sometimes encouraged to grab her legs and pull them up high against her in an exaggerated lithotomy position. At times the midwife said she could even see the baby’s hair. I was so excited. It seemed Mommy was really going to do this!

Thirty minutes later, nothing had changed and Mommy was not only tired, but really starting to doubt. The midwife, nurse, Daddy, and myself were continuing to give her support and encouragement. Mommy continued to ask though, “Is the baby going to come out?” The midwife was honest and said the baby hadn’t come down much anymore, and it was obvious Mommy was pushing very hard. She needed the OB for a second opinion now that they’d been pushing for over an hour. Mommy voiced her dislike for this OB, but there was no one else available and it was clear another opinion was necessary. So the OB was called. Meanwhile, Mommy continued to push. At 11:45 am, the OB arrives and examines Mommy. She said the presenting part was all caput, and that the head was actually at around a +1. This meant in about 90 minutes of pushing and bearing down, the baby had only moved from a 0 to a +1 station. This was difficult news. Mommy was trying so hard. She was changing positions and trying all kinds of different pushes. She was doing everything right. But the baby wasn’t coming down past the pubic bone. And Mommy was DONE. Because the presenting part was all caput, the OB said she could not do an assisted (forceps or vacuum) delivery. She said the baby wasn’t coming out, and that Mommy had tried very hard, but that it was time to go get the baby out. The cesarean was recommended, and Mommy agreed.

For the next 15 minutes, people were rushing around getting Mommy ready for surgery. Mommy immediately requested pain medication, so the anesthesiologist came in very shortly. There was some discussion over whether the surgery would happen immediately or later, but once it was resolved Mommy was informed of the risks of her impending spinal. The OB discussed the risks of the repeat cesarean, and Mommy signed her consent. Daddy rushed around and tried to pack up the room, then suited up for the operating room. Mommy, Daddy and I had previously discussed me accompanying them in the operating room, but the nurse told me they do not allow that in this hospital. So I stayed behind and packed up the room. At 12 noon, Mommy was wheeled away. After packing the bags, I retreated to the waiting room, expecting to hear something in an hour or so.

The waiting room was an uncomfortable place. There was a television which blasted Scooby Doo cartoons, and there were several families waiting for their own exciting news – and they all seemed to speak a different language. I was tired, needed more caffeine, and needed to pump, but I didn’t want to leave the waiting room in case I missed Daddy coming to tell me about the birth. So I stayed and tried to relax, making a few phone calls to check in at home. I also found two messages from friends – Lauren and Kendra – who’d called to hear how things were going.

By 1:30, I still hadn’t heard anything, so I decided to ask the receptionist. She called recovery and said Mommy had just arrived there, and it would be at least another 2 hours before anyone was allowed in. I couldn’t believe it! Nearly 4 hours of isolation for a cesarean? I had no idea. I knew I couldn’t stay that long. I was so tired, and every hour I stayed at the hospital was making it harder for me to drive home safely. So I asked the receptionist if I could get a message to Daddy. He said he would come out and speak to me. So finally, I got the word that Mommy and baby Baby Boy LK were fine. Baby Boy LK was born at 12:40 pm and weighed 9 lbs 13 oz! What a big boy! I was so delighted to hear they were well. Daddy confirmed for me that after Mommy received her spinal, she was content and happy with the decision to move to a cesarean. He said she talked about having tried everything to get him out, and that this was how Baby Boy LK was choosing to be born. I was happy to hear her feelings about this. I really wanted to talk with her, but this was not the time. So I gave Daddy a big hug, congratulated him on the birth of his son, and took my leave.

In my 90 minute drive home, I started having a hard time staying awake, so had to stop and stand in the cold air to make it all the way. I collapsed into my bed at 3:45 pm, but my mind couldn’t shut off for a while. I thought about all the things we did during the labor and felt good about all our efforts. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what was holding little (big) Baby Boy LK up. When I spoke to Mommy the next day, I learned that he was posterior afterall! I couldn’t believe it! Mommy said the midwife discussed this with her, and suggested that perhaps there was something about Mommy’s hip structure that encouraged babies to swing posterior as they descended, because Baby Boy LK had been anterior earlier in the labor. Still, I couldn’t help but kick myself, wishing we’d spent some quality time in hands-and-knees, just in case.

As a doula, this was a great experience for me because we got to try so many things during the labor. It was my first all-night birth, and my first cesarean. This was also my first experience walking away and wondering if we just tried one or two more things, if that would have changed the outacome. I know that we all did our best, and that is what I should remember. And Mommy is really happy with the outcome, having made it all the way to pushing and getting to try that in several positions. Mommy later said she felt this even healed her some from her first birth, because she realized the transition feelings she had at the end of her first birth were really about as hard as it would get, so she no longer felt she’d wimped out. And having her second baby choose the “side door” as Mommy puts it, despite multiple tricks to invite him out the “front door”, validated the necessity of her first cesarean too. Overall, it was an incredible experience for all of us. I feel blessed to have been a part of this event, and only wish I could have seen Mommy and Baby Boy LK after the birth. I’m so proud of Mommy for working with her body and allowing her baby to receive all those precious squeezes. And Daddy was an amazing partner, always supportive and attentive to Mommy.

Congratulations to the Family! Thank you for allowing me to be with you on this important day. And welcome Baby Boy LK!

Cabin in the snowy mountains

I am here. It is gorgeous. Internet is slooooooooow. That is all.

Car insurance update

Turns out when that insurance agent said I was "involved" in an accident, she meant as a witness. Whew! I didn't think she could possibly be asking about that, because it was 6 weeks ago that the accident happened. But I guess the drivers in the accident didn't report it until this week, so I didn't get the call until then. I'm so relieved it wasn't something bad for me, like someone claiming I hit them. I offered my name and number to both drivers of this accident I witnessed because of an accident I was in a year ago. A very VERY very old man hit my car, and while I was busy calling the police, he was out in the street getting witnesses. Long story short, I had no witnesses and he had several who spouted a modified version of the truth...and I was found at fault (even though he HIT me while I was completely stopped...and he drove away without realizing he hit me...and then his story included the completely wrong part of his van too). So I learned the lesson that witnesses are more important than just about anything else. Next time I won't move the cars out of traffic either, until I have taken pictures at least.

Anyway, I was glad to do my duty and help these drivers settle their accident.

Curious

I got a call today from a car insurance company about a recent accident I was in. I find this very curious, as I haven't been in any accidents recently. Hmmm... My mind is swirling with the possibilities. Mistaken identity? Stolen identity? Could I have possibly hit someone, causing ZERO damage to my car (a small car that simply does not hit things without major damage), and not realize it? Very curious indeed. Unfortunately, the insurance rep and I seem destined to play phone tag for now, and I'm not getting any juicy details out of that. This will drive me absolutely crazy until I know what is going on!

The wrong pizza

We have a Friday night pizza tradition in this house. It is something I look forward to all week, cause I looooove pizza. While I think pizza pretty much stinks in Corvallis, we have learned to tolerate and even kinda like American Dream Pizza. But they've got this problem with screwing up our order. It has happened...oh...like 6 times in the last 4 months or so. Most of the times it has been a simple mistake - wrong kind of cheese, or they put chicken on the entire pizza instead of half. But after the 4th screwup I called them and made a complaint, because at that point we were talking about $75 worth of messed up pizza. That complaint earned me a $35 coupon, which was great, and they now seem to be VERY attentive to our orders.

But that didn't stop them from screwing up again tonight. Thank goodness Keith checked the pizza at the door, as we've learned is absolutely necessary to my evening happiness with our dinner. We ordered a large pizza with BBQ sauce as the base, and 1/2 of it covered in gouda and the other half covered in chicken. Sounds weird, I know. But try it. You'll like it. Anyway, the pizza that showed up had tomato sauce as the base. One one half it had pepperoni and gouda cheese (at least the gouda part was right). On the other half it had mushrooms, bacon, and ham. Could they have screwed it up anymore? Anyway, the store manager immediately called and apologized and hijacked one of their drivers to bring us our proper pizza immediately. We got the keep the screwy pizza too. Too bad we don't eat pepperoni, bacon, or ham.

Depressed

Sometimes that is all you need to say.

It is wet here

That might not sound like news. I do live in the Pacific Northwest afterall, and it is December...the time of dark days and damp air. But it is really wet here right now, so wet that I-5, the major interstate that runs north-south from Canada to Mexico through Washington, Oregon, and California, is currently under 10 feet of water. Footage on the news stations looks like New Orleans after the levies broke, but nope. It is just here, and it is just from heavy rains. Thankfully, Corvallis has largely been spared, save some flooded intersections and minor wind damage. Tens of thousands are still without power, and many people are missing. Thankfully, now the weather is supposed to turn a bit sunnier. But Oregon did lose a big treasure - a Sitka Spruce which was the largest living thing in Oregon broke during the storm.

Sick babies

We are weathering our first double-kid cold in the house. This is actually Alder's very first bug - not too bad making it all the way to 6.5 months! Anyway, it has proven to be fairly mild for both of them. There were slight fevers (under 100) and lots of snot, but it kept flowing so no bulb suctioning was necessary. Yesterday was the worst day. Today is looking slightly better. They both even slept okay. I kinda like this...a nice, gentle warm-up to what I'm sure (with the addition of daycare starting Thursday) will be a killer cold season.

Sore

Seems I was sympathy pushing with the mom the other day. It has left me feeling a little like I had a baby (granted, a very very small baby). One of my friends heard that sympathy pushing is a major cause of hemorroids in L&D healthcare providers. Uh oh! I better watch out! But it was just so hard not to want to push with her.

Almost a VBAC

She was so close. The midwife said she could see the baby's hair. It seems crazy to me that we could see the baby's hair, but he wouldn't come down anymore. I guess I don't have a very good image of the pelvis, cause I really thought that once we could see the head, there was no way he wasn't coming out. But he didn't come out.

This mom was absolutely amazing. Baby #1 was a cesarean after 15 hour labor, 5 hours of which was at 8 cm. She never got past an 8. During the stall, they tried breaking her water (and found light mec), tried an epidural (and got slight decels), and when he wouldn't drop and she didn't dilate, they went to cesarean. Turns out baby was posterior. He was a 9.5 lb baby on his due date.

With baby #2, he decided to come 4 days after his due date. We knew he would be big. One major goal was to encourage baby away from posterior. Well, mom was 4 cm before labor even started, and when checking into the hospital she was 4-5 cm. 14 hours later, she was 6 cm. Her labor pattern was still variable, and contractions really should have been stronger. Something was amiss. We tried tons of things to encourage good positioning (the midwife said baby was anterior, but I was leery of asynclitism) and to bring on stronger contractions. The OB on call started interferring and demanded either progress or a cesarean. So mom agreed to AROM at 6 cm. A few minutes later, she was getting slammed with back-to-back 90-second contractions. I knew it was transition. She didn't believe me. Twenty minutes after the AROM, she started pushing. Unfortunately, in 90 minutes of the most incredible pushing I've ever seen in a half-dozen different positions, baby had only gone from 0 to +1 station. Mom was done. She was in terrible pain. The OB came in, took one look, and said the baby wasn't coming out. So off to cesarean she goes. Baby was 9 lbs 13 oz. And he was posterior afterall.

Unfortunately, because of the long recovery after surgery, I wasn't able to see mom and baby before I really needed to head home. This was my first all-night birth. I had 90 minutes to drive home. I talked to the mom today and she sounded really happy with her experience. We tried so many different things and she got so much further than last time. Having it end this way also gives her a sense of justification for her first cesarean too. In the end, she pretty much had a complete vaginal birth, except for the ring of fire part.

As a doula, this is the first cesarean client I've had, and it is the first client who didn't achieve exactly what she was shooting for. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm THRILLED she got to push and feel that power for so long. I just can't help second-guessing what we did. Could we have tried a different position? Should she have pushed for longer? Was this going to be a cesarean no matter what? I guess it shouldn't matter as long as mom is happy.

Writing skills

Apparently my blog doesn't quite equal my education level. I am, afterall, only a few months from a PhD. But my blog rates only at the high school level. Hmm... Wonder what criteria go into that. Wonder what would happen if I tossed some random scientific names in there. Anyway, I suppose it is good my blog doesn't rate too highly. If it were too complex, who would want to read it, right?

Mmmm...pie...

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional. You prefer things the way you've always known them. You'll admit that you're old fashioned, and you don't see anything wrong with that. Your tastes and preferences are classic. And classic never goes out of style. Those who like you crave security. People can rely on you to be true to yourself - and true to them. You're loyal, trustworthy, and comfortable in your own skin. And because of these qualities, you've definitely earned a lot of respect.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Thanksgiving Tradition

Seems almost everyone has a Thanksgiving tradition. Most of the people I know gather with family for this holiday, but not us. No, we have the tradition of saving Thanksgiving for friends. Every other holiday goes to family. This is the one we save for celebrating our "other" family - our best friends.

It all started in college, when the very short weekend was too expensive for most people to fly home to see their families. So we started Thanksgiving for friends. And then when my parents split up, I no longer wanted to spend Thanksgiving at home, because it meant trying to balance two separate Thanksgiving dinners on the same day. I flew to Paris for one Thanksgiving, then I drove cross-country for the next one. Once we (Franny, Dave, and I) moved to Oregon, we started planning all our Thanksgivings together. That first year, we actually flew to Tucson to visit friends from college. Others flew from around the country too. It was one of the most memorable holidays of my life. The following year, the whole gang congregated in Portland. Nearly all of my Thanksgiving holidays have involved Franny and Dave since then (except last year, when I was stuck in Corvallis waiting on a doula client who was late).

This year was no different. We loaded up the car with both kids, an emergency change of clothes, and some prepared dishes for the feast, and we drove north to Portland yesterday. It had a pretty different feeling with toddlers running around, but it was wonderful just the same. We laughed about how much we used to drink at Thanksgiving, and how each year seems to involve less and less imbibing. I think I downed about 3/4 of a beer before I started feeling sluggish and tired, so I set it aside. I got to see my buddy Lisa, whom I haven't seen in probably a year and a half. And I got to see Dave's parents, which was a blast. Yep, it was a great time. And I only checked my phone about 20 times (waiting on another doula client to go into labor, though thankfully this time she's in Portland so I was able to come to the feast).

Next year we've reserved Thanksgiving in Corvallis. We've never hosted in Corvallis before, but I think the time is right. With some luck, I'll either be enormously pregnant, or holding a newborn too. Now only if we could expand our house just a bit...

Oh, and our contributions to this year's feast: cheesey risotto with sun-dried tomatoes, organic herbed stuffing, and fudge. The whole meal was delicious!

Fear of surgery

Navelgazing Midwife has done a few posts about awareness while under anesthesia, and she posted a link to this story. OMG! This is one of my biggest fears. I just have this feeling deep down, that if I ever need a cesarean, I would be one of those people who feels every cut. For nearly every procedure I've had with anesthesia in the past, it hasn't worked completely. I can't tell you how many times I've felt dental work when I should have. And after both of my births, I've required a few stitches down under...and I've felt EVERY ONE. Those experiences have left me with goose bumps every time I think about it. I just can't even imagine being paralyzed but awake through a cesarean. I might just go insane.

Pins and needles

I'm just sitting here on pins and needles, waiting to get a phone call. One of my doula clients is due tomorrow (Thanksgiving!) with her second baby. Her first baby was born ON his due date. And last night she had a couple of hours of contractions that were consistently 10 minutes apart. I'm so excited! The birth time is just so magical. This client is a good friend too, and I'm so excited for her to meet her new soon. This is a VBAC too--my first--so I'm very excited to be getting this experience and happy to support my friend.

So now I've got my doula bag packed, the car tanked up (this birth is 90 minutes away), my caffeine in the fridge, my hair washed, and my teeth brushed. I'm ready. And I'm sure this mom is ready to go too.

Dissertation

WORLD TAKE NOTE! Just 5 minutes ago, I finished my Ph.D. dissertation. Granted, it is just a draft and will have probably several months of revisions before the library gets its official copy. But I've got a complete dissertation in my hands!!! Shout it from the rooftops! I might actually finish this degree! Dangit, I feel good. I know getting a Ph.D. is an enormous task, but I tell ya...take things one day at a time and you will find yourself here...with a complete dissertation. I'm hopeful for a defense in January. We'll see what my advisor has to say in a few weeks.

She has discovered the TV

Ava has finally discovered what a TV does. She is sitting beside me right now, glued to Alice's future as she wanders through Wonderland. I can't believe I managed to have a kid who at nearly 28 months, only JUST decided she enjoys watching TV. Now when she was younger, we kept her away from the TV. I didn't buy into the Baby Einstein craze. She watched maybe 15 minutes of TV her entire first 18 months. But at some point I sorta started hoping she would take an interest. Not that I want a TV hog, but there are occasions that you just want to be able to plop the kid down in a safe place and now they are happy and entertained. So here we are, finally. So far the daily limit (no more than 1 hour average per day) isn't causing any tantrums. She has asked for "Alice and Underland" each morning lately, but on the days that isn't an option she seems okay with it. I know my mother-in-law has introduced a 30-minute ABC Winnie the Pooh video to her that she enjoys. And we've watched Finding Nemo once or twice. But so far, that is it. Thank goodness she doesn't know we have like 5 cartoon-only channels available on cable. I'm sure that day will come soon enough...

6 months!!

It was 6 months ago at this very minute that I was holding a newborn Alder. Just minutes old even! I can't believe how the time flies. Now he smiles and laughs, he talks his special language, he is nearly up on all fours and is trying to crawl, and he is almost sitting. AND he sleps through the night almost all the time.

We are really starting to see more of his personality now. We are seeing that he is more attached to me than Ava was at this age. He's very laid back and happy almost all the time. He loves his bananas, pears, and carrots, but is not nearly as fond of the sweet potatoes. His hair is starting to fill in and it appears to be light - maybe blond or strawberry blond, but possibly a very light brown too. There are quite a lot of red hhighilghts in his hair too. His eyes seem to be headed in the direction of hazel.

Alder's 6 month check-up was yesterday too, and he looked great! He weighs 15 lbs 14 oz (~15th %-ile), is 26.25 inches tall (~35th %-ile), and has a 17.5 in head (~65th %-ile)! He sure doesn't look skinny with his chubby cheeks, double chin, and rolly thighs.

Anyway, happy 6 months Alder!

Another nose bash

This time it wasn't mine though. Ava was running around at a friend's house this afternoon and she tripped over my foot. She fell, nose first, into the edge of the brick fireplace. Oh god...it was the most intense mommy moment I've had so far. I was SURE she broke her nose. I thought we were gonna be in the hospital. I don't know how, but she seems to be okay. She did scream for quite a while, but she let me gently prod around her face and nothing seems amiss. Wow. And no, she didn't get cut. Thanksfully the corner of the fireplace is rounded and the brick is smooth. So we got away with just a few drops of blood coming out of her nose.

I knew I hated those fireplaces.

Mega update

I've lost all sense of time. Seriously, minutes pass in seconds, days pass in minutes, and weeks pass in the blink of an eye. I remember as a kid when life passed at the slowest snail's pace, but now it is more like a rocketship. Somebody put on the brakes, will ya?

Life in our household has been continuing full-steam ahead. Nothing major has happened in the last week, except for the most minor case of the sniffles in both kids. My computer at school (where I have the most uninterrupted time to blog) doesn't like Blogger, so I've been unable to post from there and frankly, posting time at home is almost non-existent lately.

So the VBAC birth that was going on last week obviously ended. I was not called to stay the primary doula. Baby was born later that night via emergency cesarean, after a transfer from the birthing center for what the doula described as "scary" decelerations. While at the hospital, the mom was able to continue laboring all the way to 8 cm (that is 7 cm further than she got last time), but then FHT took such a serious dive a cesarean was performed immediately. Turns out there was a serious cord entanglement going on, and baby wasn't coming out without bringing the placenta with it. Healthy boy, 9.5 lbs. Mom is really happy she got to experience so much labor.

In other news, daycare woes continue. Ava is now registered for 3 afternoons a week starting after Thanksgiving, but that is not a convenient schedule for us at all. With some luck, all the right changes will take place in the next 6 weeks, and we'll get both kids in there for 2 full days/week by January 1. Cross your fingers for us. We're still on the waiting list for the campus daycare center, but it looks like that will be July before space is available.

We've been getting our wills and advanced directives together around here. We already had a will, but seeing my aunt's death and the aftermath associated with her will and assets, I've realized how important it is to have everything meticulously prepared. I've been learning about trusts. There are just so many ways to take care of your loved ones after you die. Confusing stuff. Not like we have much to leave em (and not like we plan on dieing for 50 years), but I wanna make sure they get every penny!

Potty training! I think we are officially potty-trained here. Accidents are extremely rare now and almost predictable because of the circumstances. We still haven't tackled nap or night training because Ava has no access to the potty during those times, but it is coming soon.

Night weaning! Alder has night-weaned himself. This has been going on for about 2 weeks. I can't believe it. Last night he slept for 10.5 hours STRAIGHT. And he's not even 6 months. I'm so thankful we've gotten here with absolutely no urging on our part. Franny, I hope your next one takes a cue from Alder. Granted, things were still very rough 2 months ago, but to completely sleep through the night ON HIS OWN at less than 6 months...that is just worth almost anything.

Not much else going on. Keith and I are dreaming of our new minivan that we hope to get next summer.

Oh, and 2 days ago I finished writing the final manuscript of my dissertation. It needs major editing, and I still have to write a brief introduction and brief conclusion to the whole dissertation, but that should only take a couple of days. I can't believe I'm almost there. Hopeful defense date in late January.

And one more thing! I'm on the verge of signing up for my first class towards the long path to midwifery. I'm thinking this will be a one or two classes at a time, maybe a couple of times a year thing...so the entire curriculum will take probably 5+ years (I'm thinking of going for the AS degree which includes the CPM first, then possibly the MSM if I'm still into school and all). But that sounds about right to me. I have no apprenticeship lined up anyway. It takes time to figure those things out, and until I'm done with the PhD and have earned a little money, I can't even fathom an apprenticeship with no income.

Okay, that is all now.

Daycare woes

We're back on the hunt for daycare. Keith needs to go back to work full-time, and I need a little more time in my weeks to finish up school successfully, and to give myself just a few hours a week to exercise and stay healthy. Our favorite daycare is a 5 minute walk from our offices, and I get a discount as a student. But they don't have space now, and the waiting list is open-ended. Their best guess is there will be space by July, possibly sooner. The other daycare that gives me a student discount says they DEFINITELY won't have space until July. Greeeeeat. I didn't like them anyway. Luckily, the favorite daycare has two other sites in town, and one of them has space for Ava right now. Granted, it is only 3 afternoons a week, but it is a foot in the door. Once in the center, we get first priority to change schedules to something we like, and we get first priority to get Alder in as well. Too bad they are on the complete opposite end of town. But we like them, and our town is small, so we're gonna do it. So right after Thanksgiving, Ava will start 3 afternoons a week at daycare. It won't give me any additional time at school because I'll still have Alder at home, but it will be nice for her to interact with the kids and it will be a break for me and entertaining the increasingly-non-napping toddler. They said we should be able to switch to more convenient days within a month. And Alder should have a spot by mid-January. And thankfully, starting in January, I actually get paid again (a very, very small amount) to help pay for this daycare time.

VBAC 2

Today I got a call from another doula who was late in the 2nd day of attending a birth. I'm her back-up doula, and things were starting to get really tough for her and the mom. She needed to just talk things out for a bit. This client is a VBAC too, and so far the labor seems to be progressing (or NOT progressing) along the same line as her first birth that ended in cesarean. And she is now 9 days overdue. It is hard to not be there, especially when given this glimpse into where things are at the moment. It sounds an aweful lot like there are some emotional hang-ups for both the mom and the midwife. I just hope things start to show progress. This mom is such a sweetheart and has worked so hard for the chance to birth naturally. She chose her doula before she chose her care provider, so I know the doula (and me as back-up) feels pressure to support her the best way possible. What a tough position overall. I'll be thinking about them until I hear a baby is born (or until I get the call to take over when doula #1 needs a break).

Solid foods

Yep, that much time HAS passed. Alder is eating solids. We started him about a week ago...right about at 5.5 months. He's been exhibiting all the ready signs for 3-4 weeks anyway, and as much as I wanted to reach 6 months, it started to feel like we were just counting off days for no reason. So we have him a little sweet potato. He thought it was tolerable. He ate it fine - no tongue reflex. But he wasn't gobbling it down like our sweet potato monster Ava. So then we tried banana. That was a hit. And now he's onto carrot, which seems destined to be another favorite. We got our first solid food poop too, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I guess when you are on a diet of 98% breastmilk, your poop still comes out mostly smelling like breastmilk.

Anyway, my little guy is growing up. He's nearly on his hands and knees now, and he can spin and roll around with ease. And maybe it is my imagination, but I hear a distinct "Mama" when he is upset and wants me to pick him up.

Low lead levels

Ava's lead levels are "very low" and nothing to be concerned about. Whew. Glad we didn't have to get her poked again.

The Business of Being Born

I've been hearing about The Business of Being Born for a couple of months now. The buzz in the birth world about this film is really catching. Well lucky me...it looks like I'm going to get into an advance screening this coming Thursday. I CANNOT WAIT! The film is a documentary about maternity care in America, and how it is failing families as it falls lower and lower in the international ranks for birthing safety. Ricki Lake, former tv talk show host, is producer of the film and I hear the homebirth of her second child is in the movie. I'm just so excited about it. Look for a review here on my blog soon.

VBAC

Yesterday I had a prenatal doula visit with my next client who is due. She's 37.5 weeks now and gearing up for her VBAC. I can't explain how excited I am for her about that upcoming labor and birth. She is so prepared and ready to meet this challenge. I have 100% confidence that her body and her baby can do this. Granted, her baby is most definitely going to be on the large side, and if he is posterior like his big brother was, it could be a darn hard labor that just might possibly end in another c-section. But there has been so much learning for this family that has happened since the last birth, I think the entire thing will be a whole new experience. They fired their old OB who blatantly refused to entertain the idea of a VBAC. They found a midwife group that attends at a hospital (their preference was for a hospital birth) with decent support for VBACs. They hired me. They searched their souls for the best choices for their family. And they've packed their bags.

I look forward to posting a great birth story here very soon.

Nose bashing

I got a really good nose bashing today, courtesy of Ava's skull. It was one of those moments when you bend over your toddler right as she decides to jump up into the air...and SMACK! Luckily, there was no blood. But 5 hours later, I'm still aching. I wouldn't be surprised if I get a bruise somewhere out of this.

Stained glass

I've wanted to post pictures of my first two stained glass pieces for a while now. This first one is hanging in Franny's window. It was a birthday present and it was supposed to remind her of a vacation we took back before our kids were born. We visited all the canyon parks in Utah. This design came straight from a book.
This next piece hangs in our bathroom window. These pictures kinda stink, but you get the gist. The fish, turtle, flowers, and bugs were designs from a book, but I put them together to create this water piece.

Ava as a monkey in 2005

And as a comparison to Alder in the monkey costume below, here is Ava in 2005:

Halloween 2007

We attended our indoor park's costume party where Ava was a ladybug and Alder was a tiger.
Alder also sported the pumpkin hat that a friend knit for us back when I was pregnant with Ava.
Then I decided to try Alder in Ava's old monkey costume and it fit him really well! So for library costume party, we went with that outfit. Ava loved wearing her costume. She was one of the few kids who happily kept it on all evening.

We didn't do any actual trick-or-treating. I see no reason to give my kids candy yet. Ava's had one piece in her life, and she didn't really seem to know what it was. So for one more year, I've escaped the crazy sugar high that I'm sure will be part of all future Halloweens.

I was rather perturbed by the SINGLE trick-or-treat visitors we got at the door. It was a family with five kids. They stomped on the porch, chased the cats, and banged on the window. And the parents both had candy bags too. Jerks. Good thing I was handing out all-natural and odd-flavored lollipops. :)

Ava got poked

Tonight we did a repeat of the torturous blood draw for Ava that was destroyed last month. She did very well - only cried for about 20 seconds or so. Hopefully the idiots at the hospital won't destroy this blood sample too. Ava seems very proud of herself and keeps repeating, "Ava got poked and Ava got a pink bracelet." Good thing the hospital still had plenty of pink bracelets to hand out.

Counseling

Counseling appointment went really well today. I like her and will continue. Good thing my insurance covers most of these visits. This lady ain't cheap, but should be very worth it.

Doula waves

No, this isn't about a doula who waved, or waves of doulas or anything. This is about the weird phenomenon that is reaching doula clients. Months will go by and no one will call. And then suddenly I get two or three unrelated calls in a matter of days. What is up with that? And it amuses me where people get my information. SO far, no one has stumbled across my website out-of-the-blue, despite my being on the first page of google when you enter my town and "doula". I've gotten referrals from one of the Oregon midwifery sites I'm listed on, and once from someone who googled another nearby town and "doula", ended up on the Oregon midwifery site, and then still picked me despite being in another town. In my town, I'm part of our local network of doulas. I'm on their website and on their flyers. I'm also in another nearby town's network, which includes a website and flyers. And I pay for these connections. Plus, there is the hefty fee of my own website. But so far all my connections have come from the free websites. How odd. Maybe I should stop spending money on advertising. Maybe it is just a slow time for doulas. Maybe we have too many doulas in my town - 19 for a fairly small birthing population, especially considering the high number of homebirths here.

Funk

I've been in a real funk lately. A super-funk if you will. Like, the kind of funk you go see a counselor about. So tomorrow I've got an appointment and I'm hopeful she can help me straighten things out in my head. I'm mostly concerned about how it affects my relationship with the kids and the husband. And, it has been a bit distracting to my schoolwork. I really need to cut the caffeine out too, but until I'm getting 8 solids hours a night (which will be no time soon, I tell ya), I don't see how I could live without it. Anyway, today I'm feeling like the sun might shine again.

TWINS!!

One of my very good friends had identical twin girls yesterday morning. She made it all the way to 38 weeks 3 days before giving a little nudge to get things going (out of desperation, and out of impending induction date set by docs). She arrived at the hospital at 10 cms, pushed out Baby A (6 lbs 12 oz) with a nuchal hand, and then 14 minutes later pushed out the double footling breech Baby B (7 lbs 12 oz). And she didn't tear at all. And now, 24 hours later, she fighting to get out of the hospital and home to her two other kiddos (2 and 4 years old). She is my hero. :)

I've met death and I hate her

I held my aunt's hand as she died. I watched this wonderful woman, who was once so full of life and love, take her last gasping breaths. I watched the color drain from her face. I felt the warmth leave her fingers. I cried.

I've taken a little blogging hiatus during this tough time. I was thinking about making a big post about it, but I'm not sure I have it in me. I'm really upset over losing my aunt. I'm so thankful I was there with her in the end though. It was really good for me to see her one last time, and she seemed happy to see me too. I had Alder with me, so she got to meet him and that seemed to provide a good source of many smiles during a sad time. And I was happy to be there with my mom as she (and my bro and I) gave her hospice care in her final days. It was just the 3 of us taking care of my aunt. The rest of the family was far away, so of course the phone was always ringing off the hook.

My aunt died of kidney and liver failure as a result of a lifetime of alcoholism. The final death was actually drowning as fluid filled her lungs. It was really ugly. She was 58. I'm very thankful I live in Oregon, where assisted suicide is an option. I would not want a long, drawn-out death like my aunt experienced. It just was NOT a pretty way to die.

Back to my regular blogging now. I hope.

Death in the family

Vacation cut short. Emergency plane tickes purchased. Leaving in 15 minutes to fly East to be with family. Back next week.

Another family vacation

We're headed out on another family vacation today. This one involves 7.5 hours of driving each way. I'll surely write about that when we get back. I know we've been on a lot of mini vacations these last few months. But still, I feel READY for this. I'm crossing my fingers it will involve a little more sleep for me, but I won't hold my breath.

Birth Into Being

I finally shelled out the dough and bought myself some birth videos. I admit, I wanted them for myself just as much as I wanted them for my doula client library. I also knew they would come in handy for showing the kids real births in prep for the birth of their future (not yet existing) siblings. So far, only one video (of three) has arrived.

Birth As We Know It is excellent. It features 11 births, including one twin birth. Nearly all of them are waterbirths. All of them our out-of-hospital births. The birthing mothers are beautiful and very conscious of their labors. In fact, the main point of the video is promoting "conscious birth" and how wonderful it can make the entire experience for a pregnant couple. I really jived with the video and loved the scenes of moms birthing into the sea. I was a little leery of how long they kept the babies under water, but I'm sure that is because the waterbirths I've experienced in real life brought the baby immediately to the surface. There was a short clip of a circumcision. You really can't help but squirm when watching that. There was also a segment on lotus birth in the "extras" that was really neat. Lotus birth is when you keep the umilical cord and placenta attached until it dries and falls off naturally. Sounds nice, but I doubt I could handle the hassle of how immobile you are with a baby attached to the placenta. Anyway, the video is great and just has some beautiful images. I look forward to lending it out to clients.

School deadlines

So I'm trying to finish up my PhD, right? Well, if I wanted to defend this term (and avoid paying for next term), I have exactly 7 weeks to turn my dissertation in to my committee. It is doable, but at a cost that I'm not sure I can handle. Though I desperately want to be DONE DONE DONE, I've been thinking more and more about slipping it into next term. This would allow me to breath a little bit more right now. But it does put as at a continued financial disadvantage, because as long as I'm a student, I'm not making money for our family.

Knowing that I might have no choice but to continue school into winter term, I had lined up a TA position that could pay my tuition and give me a little tiny itty bitty stipend (about the same as daycare would cost for both kids 2 days/week). Well today my advisor surprised me with an offer to pay me for an RA for winter term if I wanted/needed. It would be roughly the same pay, maybe a tiny bit more, than the TA position. But it would be paying me to work ON MY PROJECT. AND FINISH. AND GET MORE PUBS IN THE WORKS (instead of grading a bunch of undergrad term papers). I think I'd be a dunce not to take it. I'm very thankful my advisor has dug deep and found the money to pay me for this. The grant I wrote at the start of my PhD has long run dry, so I've been piecing together TA positions and paying my own way for the past year. It will be nice to be back on the payroll again. And it gives me one more term to figure out what the heck I'm doing next.

Donor milk

Last night Alder got his first taste of donor breastmilk. I feel pretty good about getting 4.5 months on just my supply, and I might even have another week of my own in the freezer. Right now I seem to be 2-3 oz short of what Alder takes every day, so we've been slowly eating up the freezer milk. I'm soooo thankful that we have a donor we trust here in town (my doula!). She truly has the supply for twins. So now I breastfeed most of the day and night, but when I'm away from Alder I never pump what he takes in. So the donor milk fills the gap. Thank god for boobies.

Too much money

When do you ever get as lucky as I did today? I went to the grocery store for some potatoes, and decided to use my debit card to pay the bill. Now, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I have used my debit card to make purchases. I just never do it. But today I wanted some cash back too, so I did it. I asked for $40, and my receipt indicated that my change was $40. But I got 10 $5 bills from the machine. I stood there, counting and counting, convinced at first it was lack of sleep that was causing me to add wrong. But no, the machine REALLY gave me $10 extra. That nearly made me jump for joy on the spot - not because the $10 is that important, but because it just felt like a really good luck sign. It just felt GOOD to have something totally random and positive happen today. So did I give the money back? Hell no. Maybe they'll track me down and take it back from me at some point. But for today, I'm enjoying my good fortune.

3rd Anniversary

Today is our 3rd anniversary. Hard to believe it has only been 3 years. We have a sitter coming over tonight (just from 6-8, but hey...it is something) so we can go to dinner ALONE. It feels nice to be celebrating today. There is just something in the air. Last year this day passed with little notice, but this year, I feel like we need to make it special.

The brilliance of indoor parks

I can't believe we didn't join last year. Man. Whoever came up with this idea deserves a medal. Yesterday I took Ava and Alder to preview one of the local indoor parks. Brilliant! Ava was instantly in love and she talked about it all day, even though we were only there for about 20 minutes. It is cheap ($40), it is open every weekday, everyone gets a key, and there are lots of toys, climbing structures, and slides to wear the kids out for naptime. My only complaint has to be the somewhat limited hours (9:30-3:00), which I assume is a function of the building the indoor park lives in (local fire station).

There are two parks in Corvallis - one for younger kids (~6 months to 3 years) and one for older kids (~18 months to 5 years). I've chosen to join the younger one this year. I think it is all new enough that Ava will stay engaged this year, and this way it is more appropriate for Alder as he grows this winter. The trick will be negotiating their naps so we can come and play, since they will be on opposite nap schedules for much of the winter. But I'm confident we can do it.

Man, the brilliance of indoor parks...especially for the rainy Pacific Northwest. I think I'm in love.

Am I gonna be a midwife?

Maybe. The birth bug has definitely got me strong. Today I attended a training session for wanna-be midwife's assistants. It was really great - all like-minded ladies together for a day of playing with instruments, practicing techniques, and talking birth, baby, and pregnancy. The training was offered by several midwives from the Midwifery Access Project in Eugene, OR. Three other doulas from my local Corvallis group went down with me, so it was a great time had by all.

Five years ago, I never had any idea I would become this involved in birth work. I guess it started when I began planning my first pregnancy, long before I actually met the man who eventually became my husband. I just knew I wanted to have a natural, drug-free birth. Over time, I realized my vision was to have my children at home. So once I was married and we were ready to have children, my time had come. After my first homebirth, I knew the hands-off midwifery model was definitely my cup of tea. I became the uber birth nerd that I continue to be, and I got interested in doula work. I still didn't have an interest in being a primary midwife though. Eventually I started to consider being a midwife's assistant. Someday, I'd love to attend some training workshops on The Farm.

Anyway, fast foward to now. I have a handfull of births under my belt and a few more in the hopper. I've had my second child. I've realized that though I intend on a career in academia at some point, I know it isn't where I still spend the rest of my working days. And I'm starting to think about the long path to being a real, primary midwife. For me, it could be a VERY long path though. For now, I'm just thinking I'll soak up any birth experiences I can get - as a doula, as an assistant, as an apprentice, as a friend. I know I can't take an assistant/apprentice role until I finish school. But after school is done, that might be a good time for something like that. We'll see. I think I've got the sleep on this one. In the meantime, I'm gonna make an appointment with my midwife to go over my charts. Now that I've had the class, I think I can read them and understand. I'm sure I might let slip that I've attended this class and could be interested in attending births if she was ever searching for someone.

Stroller love

I love my stroller. I love it so much...I can't remember life without it. Oddly, Marketing Mommy also just posted a review of this exact same beauty, even in the same color. We both agree - this stroller rocks! Alder is especially happy now that he can sit up. He wasn't terribly fond of the infant position. I guess there wasn't enough to look at. Anyway, I think this is some of the best $400 we've spent on kid-related paraphenalia. And I would add one descriptor to Marketing Mommy's review - it actually folds SMALLER than a single BOB. Amazing.

More cake pictures

And while I'm sitting at the computer with all the pictures on it, I'll upload some more cake pictures. This first one is simple box yellow cake with a layer of homemade chocolate mousse. It is also iced in the mousse, and drizzled with chocolate ganache.

This little cake is homemade vanilla-almond cake with chocolate mousse frosting and chocolate ganache icing.


This cake with the flower was my masterpiece... It is a chocolate cake with a layer of white chocolate raspberry mousse in the middle. It was then iced in buttercream icing and covered in marshmallow fondant. The decorations are fondant.

This one was vanilla-almond cake with a layer of chocolate mousse. It was covered then in chocolate buttercream, and glazed with chocolate ganache.

And this was for Ava's birthday. These are fondant creatures I made.
And here is the cake. It was one layer of chocolate cake and one layer of vanilla almond cake with a layer of strawberry mousse in the middle. It then has regular buttercream icing with fondant creatures and letters.

Book club

Tonight I attended my first book club meeting. But this isn't any ordinary book club. This is the "I want to get pregnant" book club. :) Last spring I was invited as a special guest to the book club, since I was largely pregnant with my second child, and I was a doula. So I went, and spoke, and discovered that of the 5 regular members, I already knew 2 of them. We had a great time that night. I've run into the ladies a number of times over the summer, and I basically invited myself to join the book club cause well, I want to be pregnant again soon. And they welcomed me with open arms.

Tonight's meeting was supposed to focus on the first trimester in honor of one of the book club members who is now 9 weeks pregnant. So we talked about her first big OB appointment, her first ultrasound, prenatal testing, and all that fun stuff. The book they are reading and using as a guide is Body, Soul, and Baby: A Doctor's Guide to the Complete Pregnancy Experience, From Preconception to Postpartum by Traci Gaudet and Paula Spencer. My feelings for the book (I've only read one section so far) are mediocre. The author is obviously uninformed about midwifery (she claimed there was no certifying body for lay midwives, which completes ignores NARM and all CPMs in the US), either that or she choose to omit information so as to steer readers to choose an OB. Plus, she claims when things go wrong in birth, that it happens very quickly, and that is exactly the opposite I've heard from most midwives. Perhaps the difference is that midwives are actually THERE and paying attention to their laboring patients.... But anyway... I don't especially like the book, but I do appreciate that the authors encourage a lot of self-checking about emotions, physical feelings, etc. It encourages quite a bit more self-care than the standard OB books I've seen.

ANYWAY! The entire reason I started this post was so I could share pictures of the cakes I made for tonight. One was for this book club meeting, and the other was for the monthly potluck at my midwife's house, which was also tonight. The cakes were a huge hit at both events. :)

The larger one is a two-layer orange-scented chocolate cake with buttercream icing and filling, covered in marshmallow-almond fondant. The babies are made of the fondant as well and are 100% edible (and 100% yummy). The smaller cake is a two-layer also, with the same icing, filling, and fondant. One layer is the same orange-scented chocolate cake, and the other layer is vanilla-almond cake. Both were delicious.

Update on Baby Boy C (preemie)

This past weekend I was honored to go visit with Baby Boy C, his mama and papa, and the NICU staff up at the hospital in Salem. Baby Boy C is doing so well! He's over 4.25 lbs now and gets most of his feedings through a bottle (they are working on getting him to nurse). He's doing so well in fact, that they think he might get to go home in about a week. That is at the equivalent of 35 weeks gestation, which is just AMAZING for a pre-30-week preemie. They were originally told he wouldn't go home until around his due date. His parents seem to be doing great and are ready to handle their son at home. I'm still in such awe of their amazing strength. I just can't imagine going to visit my child in a hospital every day.